Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh god the rape fog is back!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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