I faked an abortion last night.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
