it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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