Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
