i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm at about main and main street
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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