Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
