My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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