the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
