I didn't shave. On purpose
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
