At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
