he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I yelled at your uterus for you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
