What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
accomplished twins. life is a go
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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