after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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