Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Soap is not a condiment
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
