There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
A+ Viking dick
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