I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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