sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
