Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
