Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
