I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
