We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize