wanna go halves on a baby?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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