I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
