I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
