my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
