Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
