you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This beer is not sobering me up at all
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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