When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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