If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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