my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
