i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
