You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
