i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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