The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
