The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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