It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
