so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Michael Bay diarrhea
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
