he told me I talked like a deaf person
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
