do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
