There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize