just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
