where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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