I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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