I've blown a few things in my day
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
