Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
