i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
