there's paper in my vomit.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
