Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
