I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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