My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
