so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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