I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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