Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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