i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
