You really coming over, don't trick.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
