Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
