My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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