Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Your dad touched me again.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
