Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
