my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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