Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
