Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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