remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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