It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Someone came in the potted fern
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
