Jerry, you need to find god
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
