I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
