Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
