Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
this hospital has no fireball
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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